The Awkward Life of Casey

The love(s) of my life | Part 1

I made a post awhile back about finding an old letter I wrote to myself years ago. I haven’t dated many men, but from each of them, I’ve learned something:

I never realized how stupid alcohol can actually make me. Last night I visited my past, a Mr. Franklin. My first mistake was going to see him. I should’ve just stayed with Brett & Ryan. I don’t know. Ryne said he’d be back by 3am the latest. He wasn’t. It’s not like I’m disappointed in him. I’m more disappointed in myself than anything. I’m running off of about 3 or 4 hours of sleep. I wanna just shut down. All in all, this weekend has been one big, hot mess. 

- - Apart of me hopes he doesn’t call.

He says he wants to prove all this bullshit to me. But, I don’t know if he’s changed. Hard to tell, I suppose. Even if he did, I can’t be with him. He’s my best friends ex. That’s besides the point. I don’t think I can be with him right now, if that, at all. He’s a monster. Except, he didn’t get off last night. Which I guess makes sense. I’m not falling for it though. I would be an idiot if I did. It doesn’t help the fact that I kept thinking of Andrew. I miss that scruffy face, that red pickup truck, his secret love for country & obsession for 3oh!3 and Cobra Starship. I wonder if he misses me?I I guess its possible, but logically thinking, from our phone conversation, he couldn’t care less. I need to get over him..

Tiny retail space.

I work at the service desk in Target and tonight was actually a pretty good night; I was caught up in my tasks, all of my defectives were audited, and the desk was clear from any mess. I thought my night was going really well, especially since I got someone to sign up for a Red Debit Card. My sister randomly came to visit & talked to her while I was sorting through a re-shop cart. After she left, I went to go put the empty cart behind the desk to replenish for the softlines cart. Now, there really isn’t a lot of space back there so, I pushed my cart and it hit the wall. I had accidentally hit the damn fire alarm and it went off throughout the entire store, I was so embarrassed. I had no idea what to do, so instead of calling someone over, I just continued working like nothing was wrong.

NO ONE CAME TO HELP ME FOR LIKE 5 MINUTES WHILE THE ALARM CONTINUED TO GO OFF.

This is my life.

So, I’m not a huge Rihanna fan, but something about ‘Stay’ gets me. It’s such a beautiful song, so I think that’s the next song I’m going to do a cover of. I’ll keep everyone posted.

-A

A Small Note

I’m feeling frisky today. I don’t know if it’s the warm weather, but I am going BOY CRAZY.

I found it in the glovebox

Recently, my car died (R.I.P. Lulu) & today my mom told me that I should start cleaning it out to get it ready so I can sell it. 

Back in 2010 I wrote something on the train ride home from Chicago and it was possibly the best thing I’ve ever written. I kept it in my car as a reminder, but I guess it was buried under all of the other things that have come up in my life. A hand-written 2 page note to myself (used the front & back) was discovered today. It’s almost like I was meant to find it today. 

A couple of days ago, I blocked a few namely people from my Skype contact list. It was necessary to keep me out of trouble. I deleted the racy photos from my iPod and decided to start over. I’m not scared anymore. I’m completely devoting myself to Tyler because I can tell he’s been really trying. He only deserves the same in return. 

I’ll type the note later on here.

I won’t leave anything out.

How did I get here?

It’s days like these that remind me how alone I am. I thought getting a job would really help me out, but I guess it was wishful thinking. As I woke up at 2pm today, I feel like I had a revelation. The person that I am today isn’t who I used to be. And I get it; people change as they get older & blah, blah, blah. Please, spare me. It just bugs me. I don’t ever do anything. I see my friends going to baby/bridal showers & taking extraordinary trips and these are the people I used to go hard with. I used to be “the party boy” and I was always livening the night up! That isn’t the case anymore.

What happened to me?

Well, Happy Birthday to me.

iDon’t Understand

I had a conversation with a friend yesterday that I met here on Tumblr. We’ve been talking for a couple of months and we’ve gotten to know each other a little bit. 

The discussion was about how different culture is even on opposite sides of the United States. He’s from Los Angeles & I’m from Chicago and he was telling me about how everybody there is either involved with Art or PR. It was strange to hear because that’s not how people are in Chicago. The Chicago culture is hard to describe, but it’s so different and set apart from everywhere else. 

I was telling him a story about the time I visited California. My Dad, step-mom & sister went to visit my aunt in Ventura, but we also visited San Diego & Santa Monica. It was beautiful & such a memorable experience. I was 16 years ago at the time which was about 8 years ago and I remember everyone being so nice. Now, my friend was completely surprised by that because people in LA now are so involved in their technology. 

When I was on the beach in San Diego, a guy came up to me & complimented my shirt. It was really nice that a complete stranger took the time out of their day to make me feel good. Then in Santa Monica, I had a store owner in Big Dogs ask me if I was Aaron Gillespie of Underoath. He even asked for an autograph. It was hilarious, but my friend just couldn’t believe how nice people were. 

I think people have changed a lot as the years have gone by. Mind you, this was a time when iPhones & Mac products weren’t at the height of their popularity. People actually NOTICED other people and it would be nice if things could go back to that way.

Sticks & Stones

Growing up gay, I’ve been called a lot of things as any gay guy has. You can call me any name in the book, but the thing I hate most is being called a girl. I’m not a female and I don’t wish to be one. I understand that some of the things I do is feminine, but I’m proud to be a gay MALE. In middle school and high school a lot of guys would call me girl and say that I probably wish I was a girl which isn’t my desire at all. It didn’t really help having a unisex name either.

I am a man who likes men.

Recognize that.